My Life As An Experiment In Surrender
When I listen closely, going very quiet and still, I can hear HER whisper in my body. My lips form a soft smile, my heart buzzes with a warm, tingling sensation, and my womb pulsates with tiny, pleasurable contractions.
This is how the Big SHE makes herself known to me.
SHE is present in all women. Every woman carries the seed of wisdom of her Big SHE, and every woman is guided by HER.
This is my story of surrendering to HER voice and trusting the guidance that comes from within. May it inspire yours.
I am the kind of woman who has a million different dreams and desires. My mind is wide open, constantly drawing me to exploring new ideas and experiences.
This can take me down unusual roads. Like the time when I lost all my savings to a con-artist, only to receive six times as much back two months later — from an unexpected inheritance.
Or when I first read about Kundalini awakening and thought, “Wow, I need this!” Six months later, I’m lying on the floor of a workshop room with a man dressed in black hammering away on the base of my spine until my body jolts back-and-forth in snake-like movements. I can’t think anymore because there’s too much pleasure going through my body.
Or the time I got so excited about plastic-free living that I honestly considered relocating from Stockholm to Berlin… Just so I could live close to the city’s first Zero Waste Store. Three years later, we’re living in an apartment in the exact same building as that shop! Flats in that neighborhood go like fresh pastry — I could never have planned this!
But I don’t believe in coincidences.
I believe in miracles.
And I believe in the One who makes those miracles go round for all of us every day.
I call Her the Big SHE.
SHE is who you really are — an expression of your true Self as pure, unconditional love.
SHE is also known as the Holy Spirt, the Shekhina, or the Womb Wisdom. SHE is the feminine Christ, pure life-force energy, and a bridge between the human realm and the mind of God.
SHE is your inner guide back to love and to the eternal remembrance of HOME.
Her job is to guide you through your life experience, always having your highest good in mind.
The more you surrender to Her, the more flow you will experience.
I remember one night in late January 2014. I had recently broken up with my partner of four years, and I had lost my home, my relationship, and my identity. I was renting a tiny room from a friend in the suburbs until I’d find my own place. I tried to take my life-coaching business full-time, but I didn’t make enough money, so I was moonlighting as a German teacher. I was wondering what I was doing with my life. At age 30, I was single, homeless, and broke. Most of my friends were in long-term relationships, buying apartments, and having established careers. I had none of that, and I felt like a total loser.
But then I remembered to ask my Big SHE for help. (Unless you ask, Spirit will not interfere with your God-given free will.)
So I went into Child’s Pose and prayed. Palms stretched out in front of me on the purple flokati rug, I told HER about my longing to go full-time with my coaching biz, my desire to leave Sweden for a warmer, English-speaking country, the wish to find a committed life partner and to make all my writerly dreams come true and pen a book with Spirit.
I held nothing back. And then I surrendered all these desires to HER keep and caring. To me, they seemed so unattainable I might as well have tried to fly to the moon. I had to rely on a power much greater than my own if I were to ever watch those dreams come true.
Come true they did.
One by one, it all unfolded (be)for(e) me.
First, I met the man of my dreams. On Facebook. Turns out he had been following my work for years. I was blogging for my former Tantra school — another project that came to me through surrendering to my inner guidance. He loved my articles so much he even sent one of them to all his guy friends saying, “We shall never give up until we all find a woman like Nadja.”
After I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, the ex suggested I “advertise” for a new practice partner in our tantric community. When Daniel, my now-husband, saw this post, he got so excited he replied within 10 minutes.
Long story short, we fell in love and got married seven months later.
The official reason we got married was that his company had offered to relocate him to NYC, an opportunity he couldn’t turn down. He invited me to join him, and so we filed for our visas.
The deeper reason, however, was my strong desire to stop dating and finally get married. I hadn’t told anyone, but in my heart, this is what I was longing for. I just wanted to be done with this part of my life. My Big SHE knew, and SHE worked her miracles behind the scenes.
During that same summer, we also went to a tantric party. During the night, one of our friends, a Christian priest, was speaking about the deeper meaning of marriage. For centuries, people in Sweden had followed the tradition of marrying under a candle, which symbolized the light of God. Instead of getting married to each other, they would marry God, bowing beneath the light and devoting their marriage to be a vessel for His will on earth.
This news brought Daniel to tears. Back home, he went on his knees and asked if I wanted to marry him — for real. Of course, I did! The romantic part in me was giddy with joy.
Soon after, I quit my teaching job, and we stepped on a plane to NYC. Now I could focus all my energy on my coaching business! Woohoo! I worked with female founders, gave talks for over 80 women on the 7 female orgasms, and went to rooftop parties in fancy penthouses. I had the time of my life. I loved New York.
And then, in the blink of an eye, it was all over. One evening Daniel called from the office — he just got laid off. Their start-up was acquired and going through a massive restructuring. Along with his job, our visa expired too. We had two weeks to leave the country.
With nowhere to go, we accepted my parents’ generous offer to move into their (empty) house in Germany. Once again, I felt so stuck. Having lost all my confidence, I worked part-time for a global cosmetics chain store alongside women who bullied me for not fitting into their smallish world-view. I felt like I was back in my childhood.
But then a friend reached out from Norway, telling me that she started receiving messages from her spirit-guides about writing a book on female sexuality and spirituality. She asked me if I wanted to co-create such a book with her. Hell yeah, I did! Writing a book inspired by Source had been a dream of mine ever since I first read Neal Donald Walsh’s seminal Conversations with God series.
I loved the profound teachings, healings, and insights that came through while creating this body of work. It helped me regain my balance after the traumatic loss of our lives in NYC.
Nine months later (which I now jokingly refer to as our time in the womb), we left the house and moved to Berlin. We ended up in the same building that hosts the Zero Waste store I was so obsessed with years before.
I had finally gotten my mojo back. I was in the middle of filming my online course, Self-Love for Conscious Entrepreneurs (which helps women connect with the voice of their own Big SHE) when a friend told me about a medicine journey he’d been through. This sacred wood is strong plant medicine used in Bwiti initiation ceremonies in Africa. I instinctively knew that it was time to surrender to HER power again.
We reached out to the medicine woman and booked our retreat. My intention for this ceremony was to let go of old blocks so I could coach and teach at a higher level helping even more women.
But as it often is the case with surrender, nothing unfolds according to your ego’s expectations. On the contrary — life gets so much better!
Regaining waking consciousness a couple of days later, I had suddenly lost interest in all things coaching and personal development. Instead, I found myself drawn to books and courses on marketing, copywriting, and storytelling. The change of mind was on such a profound and cellular level that there was no turning back.
It soon became clear that I needed to let go of my life coaching practice to become a copywriter for conscious entrepreneurs. Today I’m experiencing more fun and flow than I’ve ever had in my entire career. Saying yes to the call of becoming a full-time writer was one of the best decisions I ever surrendered to… like all the decisions guided by my Big SHE.