The Bully They Don’t Talk About
“My ego will never love me.”
I said this as a joke to my friend the other day. It worked — she cracked up like crazy.
But there’s always a pinch of truth in every joke, right?
The ego is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It acts all nice and sweet, pretending that it cares for you, but then, when you least expect it, it turns around to stab you in the back. And it knows exactly where it hurts the most.
Let me explain.
The ego is the small, wounded part of you that strongly believes in its individual existence separate from the love of God. Out of your childhood conditioning away from love, the ego was born. It is based on the belief that it’s you against the world.
This is a lie.
In truth, you can never leave God’s universe because there’s nowhere else to go. Only love is real, and love is all there is.
But love is hidden from your sight, behind a thin veil of unconsciousness, which makes up your ego’s (and body’s) limited perception of the world.
It wants you to think that what you perceive with your five senses is all there is to life. Yet there is so much more to life than what you can perceive with your five senses.
Maybe you’ve already had a spiritual experience or revelation at some point in your life and you saw everything bathed in bright light. That is what the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles calls “true vision.” That’s when you assume the Divine’s perspective, free from separation, loneliness, conflict, and self-doubt.
Yet this is not the world you see every day, amirite?
You are the dreamer of your dream
Once upon a time, you fell into a deep slumber, dreaming of yourself as a singular body with a made-up personality. This is your dream, and together we are dreaming up the world we see.
By believing in the delusional messages of your ego (you know, those self-critical, insecure, disempowering thoughts constantly running on repeat through your mind), you make them real, give them power, and thus keep them alive.
That tiny, mad part of your mind makes you compare yourself with others, feeling either bigger or smaller than them. In the worst case, it makes you arrogant because you think you’re better, or insecure because you perceive yourself as less than.
Don’t worry, we all do it! Nobody’s enlightened here. That’s just how the ego works.
Paying attention to this inner bully results in a constant inner struggle, peppered with thoughts of attack and judgment of the world, others, and yourself (which is essentially the same.)
Projection makes perception
A Course in Miracles teaches that “projection makes perception.” The problem is not the world you see, but your interpretation of it. You project onto it the meanings from within your ego’s thought system. In projection, you hurl outside what you don’t want to face within.
The ego judges others so you don’t have to look at your own shadow. It conveniently projects itself outwards onto the world, righteously determining that it’s dangerous and cannot be trusted.
Once it made everyone else the villain, it can feel good about itself.
These attack thoughts are invariably followed by (often unconscious) guilt. It may feel good to judge others for a second, but afterward, you feel bad and guilty.
The ego is what makes you feel lonely, disconnected, and cut off.
It’s keeping you stuck with the flawed belief in your own separate existence. It gives power to the ego, which is happy because it needs your faith to survive.
It’s a vicious cycle of (self-)judgment and guilt, going round and round forever in your head — until you turn it over to your Big She.
Your Big She is your inner voice for love
To get you unstuck from ego, you need the help of your inner guide (a.k.a. your Big She), the wisest, biggest part of you who has a direct line with God.
She’s like the samurai sword cutting through the ego’s BS. Her job is to bring you back to clarity and the awareness of your true nature as love.
Like the tip of an iceberg, the ego is the small, visible part sticking out of the water. But YOU are so much bigger than that. You are the whole iceberg, including the huge part under the surface.
(Have you ever Googled iceberg? Do it. You’ll see, it’s huge!)
Take that in. You are so much bigger and so much more powerful than you may think.
The ego is also what’s driving your search for love and approval on the outside. It makes you think that you can find happiness in external events or things, like a romantic relationship, lots of money, or social status.
There’s nothing wrong with any of these, and you should enjoy them as much as you like. But also consider why you want them. As an expression of your overflowing happiness and abundance? Or out of a feeling of lack and loneliness?
None of these outer things can bring you lasting satisfaction… Sorry.
When you see what you’re doing to yourself, please don’t judge yourself for having an ego and believing in its silly little ideas. Don’t act like the old me who’d put herself down, assuming she’s a bad person, for having an ego.
That would be the ego again, tricking you into more self-hate! Crazy, right?
What you can do instead is to forgive yourself and others for their unloving thoughts (and actions).
‘Cos… Forgiveness. That’s what this whole gig is all about.
Not the usual type, as in stoically forgiving justified anger. It’s more like changing your mind from perceiving yourself and others as ego-driven bodies who have wronged you to see their true identity as innocent children of God.
The way back to real (Self-)love lies in the reversal of your thinking. You need to train your mind into a new perception of yourself and your surroundings.
Your inner guide helping you shift your perception is once again your Big She. She is your personal thought-corrector with the power to transform all your unloving, fearful thoughts into unconditional love.
How to change your mind
When you stop giving power to the inner bully and instead lean towards the more loving voice inside, you’re strengthening your connection to Self-love and true empowerment.
This requires constant vigilance and disciplined self-awareness. The result is a subtle shift to greater peace, more mental and emotional stability, and a deeper sense of certainty that all is well.
You will still hear your ego yelling and protesting in the background, but you won’t think it’s your own voice anymore. You’ll see it and think of it as cute. (“Oh, it’s you again?! I see you! Yeah, you don’t trick me no more, you little weirdo you… .”)
How does your ego bully you the most? What are the recurring themes you’re still struggling with? How do you self-sabotage or put yourself down the most?
Here’s an example many of us can relate to
You may be self-conscious about your body for being overweight, but you cannot stop putting too much food into your mouth. Maybe you’re even (unconsciously) judging others for being fat (or skinny!) so you don’t have to feel your own pain inside.
Your real goal is to get fit and lean and to feel great in your body. But the ego is sabotaging you in achieving this goal. How?
Well, maybe you’re an emotional eater. As a child, your mother gave you cookies to soothe your tears or tantrums, and you learned that sugar equals love. Now, as an adult, you eat candy every time you feel the slightest tinge of discomfort.
Your ego will tell you, “It’s okay, have a cookie… A little won’t hurt… You can go on a new diet on Monday… It’ll make you feel better now… .”
It sells you instant gratification and immediate “happiness.” Even though the wiser part of you knows that sugar makes you feel bad, you give in.
An hour later, you feel like crap. You ate the whole bag of cookies, and now you’re full of self-loathing and regret.
Now your ego is in full attack mode: “You sicko, look at you… Eating that whole bag of cookies… You’re never going to burn off those calories… You don’t deserve to be loved, you’re fat… You’re never going to look good in a dress… Ever. Might as well eat some more.”
This is what this inner “teacher” is doing to you.
First, it lures you into doing things that the wiser part of you knows to be less than ideal, then it punishes you for following its guidance.
Which inner teacher are you listening to?
Your Big She will never treat you like this. She never judges, never condemns, and never gets angry. She only offers unconditional love.
She knows that all addictions, whether it’s binging on sugar, TV, or loveless sex, come from a place of pain. At the deepest level, it’s the pain of your perceived disconnection from love.
Your ego will always guide you to filling that inner void on the level of form because that’s all it knows.
But your inner guide knows that only God’s love can resurrect in the human realm.
Instead of coaxing you into soothing your discomfort with anything from the outside, this inner guide leads you home by helping you change your perception from fear (ego) to love (God).
This is what will heal the pain of separation that’s been driving you to reach for all those cookies in the first place.
Ask Her to help you heal and return your mind to love. She’ll happily assist you.
Your ego may never love you, but without a doubt, the love of your Big She is a given. Always.